"There are two reasons I read in the gym: First, for the same reason a lot of people take magazines to the bathroom... Because training is boring (at least, it's boring once you understand how to do it properly, assuming you train for valid reasons in the first place).
Reading in the gym also makes it easier to avoiding conversation with people, and in the long run it actually reduces the chances that I'll be thought of as having an attitude, just because I happen to believe that if you need a spotter, you either don't really understand how to work-out properly, or your training itself isn't too bad, but you train for reasons that are pathetic. Not that I'm laughing out-loud, criticizing, or offering anybody advice about how (or why) I think they should train.
Still, I've learned that it's still almost impossible to avoid antagonizing people - no matter how polite you try to be - if you refuse to participate in (and validate) their self-delusions.
The funny thing is, by nature, I'm friendly and talkative, so it's not easy for me to resist the temptation to be friendlier in the gym. But if I do talk to people at all in the gym, it's virtually impossible for the topic of how I feel about the whole idea (of working out) not to come up.
Unless I want to patronize people and compromise my integrity just to be liked, (the way I used to), anyway. If I don't want to express what I really feel about an issue (like working out), it's just easier for me to avoid it altogether, especially when it's always the same exact conversation over and over, so I try not to get started talking to anybody in the first place.
You see, the average person in a gym either is "proud" of his or her looks (and/or strength) or feels inadequate about it, and is extremely motivated to improve in that regard. Plenty of them feel both proud AND insecure about their muscle or strength goals, like the typical bodybuilder who competes in shows, yet is so fundamentally insecure that except for the few weeks right before and after the contest walks around the gym covered from head to toe because he can't be seen at all if he isn't looking his absolute best. In most cases, "modesty" has nothing to do with it either, or he wouldn't be training in a string tank-top and posing in front of the whole gym whenever he feels he is looking his best. Not that doing that all the time is any better, just an opposite manifestation of the same psychological inadequacies and need for attention.
But the last thing I'm looking for (in the gym, or anywhere else), is to argue with people, especially over issues I've been thinking about and analyzing in detail, probably for longer than they've been training. It's particularly annoying to have to listen to the same simple arguments and challenges that I've heard (and disposed of) a hundred times, but it doesn't sound too polite to tell someone that I'll be glad to educate them on the issues and how they relate to each other, but there just isn't going to be any aspect of the topic itself that I haven't thought about more than they have that they're going to point out to me.
The truth is, I'm not "proud" of what I look like (or what I can do athletically), though I certainly was when I trained as compulsively as the people I try to ignore now. Having to go to a special place almost every day of the week to systematically use machines to improve (or maintain) what each specific area of your body looks like is nothing to be "proud" of having to do to. Nor is there anything particularly "healthy" about working out. If your interest is in the health benefits of going to the gym, about all you need to do is some cardio and a little bit of training to maintain flexibility and functional strength.
Working out intensely enough to build much of a physique has nothing to do with "health" at all; if anything, the long-term heavy training and over-eating causes muscalo-skeletal, orthopedic, and gastric problems that are a price rather than a "benefit" of the "bodybuilding lifestyle" that the fitness magazines promote so positively. There is nothing healthy (either physically OR psychologically) about force-feeding one's self twice as many calories as one would normally desire (or half as many, either) in a compulsive attempt to artificially maintain a physique. It's really no different, when you think about it, than going to a place filled with a variety of hair equipment and say, working on your hair color every Monday and Thursday, straightening or curling your hair on Tuesday and Friday, and practicing styling it on your "off day". Working out is mostly cosmetic, so devoting a big chunk of your life to your training, reading magazines to learn every little trick to do it better, and popping handfuls of expensive capsules, powders, and potions is no less ridiculous than going through all that same effort for what your hair (or skin, or whatever) looks like. And it's the same thing (except one step removed) if your primary concern is less what you actually look like, but more the identity aspect of say, being exceptionally strong or athletic. In my opinion, there's nothing weaker than a 230 lb. guy standing in front of the mirror, fussing with his shirt sleeves and asking his bored girlfriend "Baby, do I look bigger like this... Or like this?"
I'm not criticizing something that I know nothing about from the "outside"; I used to BE like everybody else in the gym.
I'm embarrassed that I ever cared so compulsively about how I looked, and I readily admit that the reason I train now is still because I just can't be satisfied with what I would look like if I ate less strictly and had whatever build I'd have naturally, without systematically training every single different part of my body. But I've at least learned not to care about how heavy the weights are that I need to use to keep my build and to be satisfied with whatever I weigh without also stuffing massive quantities of food to maintain as much muscle as possible. I've managed to cut my training down to three or four days a week, but it still irritates me that I need to do it at all. At least if I get some reading done (or write something on my palmtop computer) between my sets, then the time doesn't feel like as much of a waste to me.
Nor am I being "hypocritical" for criticizing something in others that I still have to do myself: to me, the crucial issue is not whether or not you still suffer from this compulsion, it's how delusional and repressed (or dishonest) you are about admitting (to yourself or to others) why you need to do it.
I respect anybody who at least admits that his training is primarily motivated by insecurity. As far as the people who "need" to maintain a build or strength level for some "legitimate" reason like playing a sport or to set an example as a personal trainer, 99% of them would still train just as much even if they couldn't play their sport or didn't need to work anymore; as often as not, those are just convenient excuses to say working out for "other" reasons besides cosmetic preoccupation. Even when it isn't, whatever sport the person is training for plays the same role in the person's identity as a build does for bodybuilders.
Since I know that anything I have to say about how or why people should train is going to antagonize most people, I just keep to myself, 'cause being totally alone beats the hell out of having to nod politely at the same misunderstandings (and denials) from person, after person. In that regard, my relationship with people in gyms is a microcosm of my relationship with society, in general... But unless I build a gym in my apartment, things won't change.
I've been training since I was in high-school. In my early twenties, I competed in bodybuilding and powerlifting shows, and cared as much about looking built and being strong as about anything in life... And I wasn't necessarily an asshole, because my general behavior wasn't harmful to others. Nevertheless, it still embarrasses me that I ever worked so purposefully, just to maintain a particular, and purposely chosen self-identity, or to impress other people... Even if I was a nice guy, at heart. At that time, expressing myself athletically was simply one component of my preconceived, well-rounded identity. If anything, around that time I was the kind of guy who took pride in being one of the more sought after spotters in the gym, especially by the people most "serious" about their workout. As I mentioned already, I'm not saying that I was a terrible person for it - just that there's something pathetic whenever someone needs to invest so much energy cultivating approval... For anything, not only athletics.
Through reflecting the values that I had internalized, I interacted with people in a manner that usually earned me almost instant respect and admiration: for my academic achievements, my popularity (in general, and particularly, with women), which, combined with my athletic and academic "identity", enabled me to "cover all the bases". So, in addition to the value inherent in this well-rounded identity itself, there was an additional bonus - that the more cool things about you, the less you really need to excel at any one thing. If you're the only lawyer (or doctor) on your hockey team, it doesn't matter that you don't score that much... And the more dates you have, the less it really matters that you're not that great a lawyer, or whatever. To the extent you are concerned with an identity, whether lawyer/athlete/stud/whatever, your life is being controlled by your fears and insecurities rather than by meaningful relationships, In your heart of hearts, the "identity" aspect of the various components of you life are more important to you than the intrinsic value of practicing law, or the physical enjoyment of playing hockey, and so on. And the "smarter" you are supposed to be, the less slack you get for still functioning at the level of your average insecure pre-teen, at the age of 25 or 30. In the same regard, the saddest statistic is the overwhelming preponderance of those highest in traditional achievement and status, primarily motivated by low self esteem and approval issues, rather than any genuine concern for the good their work might do, or any genuine love of the work itself. This applies equally whether expressed athletically or academically.
So now I just apologize whenever someone asks for a spot, saying that I have a bad back, because it started bothering me and making me feel like a sell-out to my own values to act like I don't think it's ridiculous to care about how strong you are. And I hope to go through the rest of my life without listening to another idiot explain that the reason he uses so much weight that other people have to help him lift it at all is that he wants to get his strength "back", or that wrapping a towel around the bar and bouncing off his chest is going to make him grow muscles, or "bulk up".
People would be terribly insulted if I responded politely, (and truthfully), that I don't spot anybody anymore, because now, I never need any help to do my workout, and neither would they, if they simply used weights they could lift properly. Obviously, by far, the most irritating are the people with practically no build because they pile so much weight on every machine that they can hardly budge it. They are so obsessed with the idea of thinking of themselves as someone who can bench, squat (or whatever) X number of pounds that they actually sacrifice having a decent build to show for their hours in the gym because they fake their way through the exercises that might build some muscle for them if they could live with using weights they could move through a full range of motion and in decent form. Every gym also has a few idiots who train like that who happen to also have good enough genetics and/or take enough steroids that throwing ridiculous weights around actually gives them a build. Naturally, nobody notices that training just like them does practically nothing for their proteges who don't have the same genetics or drug connection.
In that regard, the only thing worse than someone who really is big and strong, because he's so insecure, and desirous of that identity and attention in general, is everyone else, struggling, grunting (and high-fiving) over lifting weights that are simply laughable to anyone who's ever been involved in any kind of competitive lifting. (I'm saying, the only thing worse than training your butt off, nursing injuries from, and caring about benching 400 pounds, or squatting 600... Is going through all that same shit to bench 100 pounds over your body weight, and having an identity - that is pathologically infantile even when it's genuine - of being a big, strong guy, when you're a guy who needs people to help you struggle-up 200 or 300 pounds, 'cause you think (delusionally) that it's something worth caring about being able to do.) Obviously, it's exactly the same if you care that much about looking built... And correspondingly worse, if you care as much as a real bodybuilder, but you barely even look anything like you care about looking. On the other hand, occasionally, someone responds by asking me to help him train properly, (or talk about where the lines are that delineate training for valid reasons, from reasons that are ridiculous), either of which I'm more than happy to do... But I don't offer any advice at all, (about training OR life), unless asked.
If you haven't already really thought about why you may be motivated to maintain (or strive for) your particular identity, you can still understand it, if the issues are laid-out for you by someone who has. But in my experience, for every person who honestly realizes that it's both possible, and beneficial to try to understand your own mind, and your actions you have to suffer through about twenty identical conversations with people who think that there's no such thing as any "correct" analysis of human values or behavior.
If you ever do make the transition from being the kind of person whose entire life boils down to maintaining the charade of a self-identity... To becoming a human being whose life reflects an effort at identifying, and introspectively eliminating nonsensical or dysfunctional behavior, and any ego-identity from his own life, the irony is that every single step you do take toward psychological maturation, totally alienates everyone else - unless your simple need to have everyone like you compels you to patronize them. The sickest feeling, is from the realization that these are typically the very same individuals with whom you would still be enjoying the popularity that used to come with your successful maintenance (and friendly display) of a self-identity that was mostly the product of your own fears and insecurities... Just like theirs are, now."
This was a letter to a guy in a gym I trained at for a year. No matter what I did, this clown just wouldn't take the hint that I didn't want to interact with him. The night he ignored my obvious expression indicating I can't stand him and offered me unwanted training advice I wrote this letter to him when I got home. My intention was to just hand it to him next time he tried to talk to me, but ended up giving it to a mutual acquaintance whom he'd asked what my problem was with him. He never bothered me again =)
"...As a child and as a young man I experienced that phase - when a young man thinks only about the trivialities of personal existence, and talks like his fellows and behaves like them.
Only with difficulty can one see what is really behind such a conventional mask. For owing to habit and speech his real personality is, as it were wrapped in cotton wool."
-Albert Einstein
Doug:
The reasons I stay as far away from you as possible are not a function of my disliking you personally. It gives me neither pleasure nor egoistic satisfaction to reject your attempts to establish a friendly acquaintanceship between us at the gym. I already explained to Dan that this written explanation can be expected to have one of two results, either of which should lessen your (understandable) perceived insult at my obvious avoidance of you. In the worst case scenario, you will understand, simply, that my harsh criticism of your conduct is objective and doctrinal, rather than personal. You have no obligation, whatever, to consider for yourself whether my impression of you is valid, and you may resent me as much as you wish for my view. Naturally, we can continue to share this gym in accordance with all the usual principles of good gym etiquette; but in that case, you will just have to respect the mere exercise of my prerogative to keep as far away from you as possible, as I refuse to compromise the values I espouse so passionately, just to patronize someone who violates practically all of them, miserably.
While I do consider it a productive use of my time whenever I am able to assist in someone's psychological maturation, that doesn't mean I have either the motivation or the patience to suffer through the same predictable denials and arguments from person to person for the privilege of providing what amounts to free psychological counseling. (Dan, by the way, is one of the few people I know here, precisely because he was open-minded enough to recognize the validity of the same philosophical issues, to the extent they applied to his life. He'll tell you that our discussions sparked a pivotal point of psychological maturation in his life.) To the extent you are open to embarking on similar growth, I'll be glad to talk to you; to the extent you think it presumptuous of me to make the offer, please allow me to keep my distance from you... But feel free to work-in with me, anytime you need to.
Basically, Doug, anyone who knows me could have explained - long before I ever walked into Court Sports - that I admire and respect individuals to the extent their lives are devoid of any behavior designed, directly or indirectly, to attract attention from others, or to cultivate approval for approval's sake. By definition, I tend therefore, to avoid (and view with a certain measure of disgust) individuals to the extent their personalities feature the very same behaviors that I spent more than ten years eliminating altogether from my own life, as much as is humanly possible. Furthermore, the more intelligent and educated a person is, the less slack I can afford him, for making it into the third decade of life, oblivious to the issues I began noticing, and an understanding of which I began incorporating into my own life more than a decade ago.
In the best case scenario, I would be exceedingly open to a detailed discussion of the psychological issues that place us on opposite poles of the spectrum of human behavior, in every respect other than issues of morality... I am willing to assume you don't also kick puppies and hurt other people, selfishly.
However offensive your conduct may be to me psychologically, it is not also necessarily offensive to me morally. By contrast, the twins to whom you talk violate moral principles of common courtesy and consideration, so my dislike of them borders on actual animosity. That's why I didn't hesitate to post my "Gym Quiz", for which they provided the primary inspiration. Precisely because I harbor no such malice toward you, I was never even tempted to post (or otherwise display, publicly) "Gym Quiz" #1, for which you provided the inspiration. I wrote it the night you offered me your totally unsolicited opinion that I ought to perform reverse wrist curls on the preacher-bench, which is reflected in question #9.
There are only two or three people here who have seen that quiz, because that's how many times it came up in the context of the issues underlying my avoidance of you in the first place, since they happens to be the focus of whatever intellectual relationships I maintain in general, (not just here). Rather than copying it on florescent green paper and posting it all over the walls (like the Twins' quiz), I'd planned simply to hand it to you the next time you presumed to offer me training advice. The reason I specifically don't use a preacher-bench for reverse curls, is a severe predisposition to lateral epicondylitis, Dr. Doug, and the way I train my forearms works just fine for me, thank you.
For your information, I was (by my own admission and present embarrassment) competing in bodybuilding shows when you were still being ignored by the kids you now feel compelled to confront on national TV as grown adults, to tell them you are a radiologist and show them your build. The irony is that your present identity is as someone who has "overcome" his difficult childhood, because as long as every waking minute of your life is primarily devoted to proving, or announcing your triumph, you haven't yet even recognized your biggest problem, much less "conquered" it. The difference between you and me, Doug, is that one of us eventually introspected enough to realize how much of a jerk he was for spending so much energy cultivating approval and admiration. By contrast, you are still compelled to engage in more of the very same type of conduct that, (at least), I now know to be terribly embarrassed about ever having featured as part of my own personal psychological profile.
That's why hell would freeze over (and either of your twin friends put away a fucking dumbell) before you ever heard me announce to the entire gym where I went to school, for instance. "Your" quiz therefore, is herewith offered to you, purely as constructive criticism, rather than to embarrass you, as well as in the hope that you might actually recognize the honest truth reflected therein, and be interested in progressing, psychologically. If not, that's fine, too - it's entirely your choice. I simply refuse to have anything to do with someone of your intellect, who still acts the way you, but I definitely ain't interested in arguing any of the points, OK? According to Dan, you asked why I ignore you.
Now you know.
Charles
"The tragedy of many peoples' lives is that in accepting the verdict that they are not enough, they may spend their years exhausting themselves in pursuit of the Holy Grail of enoughness. If I make a successful marriage, then I will be enough. If I make so many thousand dollars a year, then I will be enough. One more promotion, and I will be enough. One more sexual conquest, one more doubling of my assets, one more person (sic) telling me I am lovable--then I will be enough. But I can never win the battle for enoughness on these terms.
The battle was lost on the day I conceded there was anything that needed to be proved. I can free myself from the negative verdict that burdens my existence only by rejecting this very premise."
-Nathaniel Branden, Ph.D. (Honoring The Self: The Psychology of Confidence and Respect)
1. Wherever you are in this gym, the one sound that drowns out all other gym-noises combined (including the stereo) is my voice.
2. When I'm talking (which is constantly) my favorite topic is me; more specifically, my favorite topic is: "Things that I think are flattering about me".
3. If you haven't heard me announce in the past two hours what educational degree I'm about to receive... You must not have made it to the gym today.
4. Despite my (presumably) high intelligence and advanced education (see #3), it seems that I'm totally oblivious to how offensive (and quite literally, pathological) it is for any grown adult human-being to crave being the center of attention, constantly.
5. Even if you've never had a conversation with me, if you are a member here, you already know more (first hand information) about my life than you know about everybody else in the gym... Combined.
6. Despite my (presumably) high intelligence (again, please see #3), I also don't seem to realize how utterly transparent it is that whenever I'm talking about myself - the famous people I know, how popular I am, and how exciting my life is - my voice is always designed to carry throughout the room, so that everybody can hear the details that I think are most impressive about my life.
7. As a matter of fact, I've announced (repeatedly) that anybody who doesn't like me must be an asshole... There's simply no valid reason for anybody not to want to know me. It hasn't occurred to me that even if I'm not necessarily a bad person, the fact that I talk about myself so much (and so loud) means that I'm extremely self-centered, and hardly as secure as I pretend to be. So maybe it's possible for someone who happens to find that offensive to not necessarily be an asshole for simply choosing to avoid me.
8. One of the reasons I think I'm such a fantastic person, is that I'm so outgoing and friendly to everyone. In reality though, much of my "friendliness" is precisely the mechanism by which I pathologically seek attention and approval.
9. Even though my own good build is substantially attributable to extremely rare genetics (or steroids), I think I know so much about training that I'll presume to offer advice to someone whom I don't even know, without any idea of what that person's athletic background, training history, or reason for training may be, or of particular physiological idiosyncrasies he may have which make certain suggestions I offer inappropriate.
10. If I'm even half the person I think I am, I might actually consider the possibility that I could learn a valuable lesson from the fact that at least one person here feels this way about me - instead of just automatically hating him for saying it.
11. If I ever do mature (or evolve) past the need for constant attention and approval, I might become someone to admire. But I'll always be very embarrassed over how I used to act in public. Furthermore, if I'm ever able to make that psychological transition genuinely, I'll find it absolutely excruciating to watch someone else acting the way I used to in my past, especially if he's even worse in that regard than I ever was, myself.
